Love. Love at first sight. I always thought I would recognise it. I always dreamed of it. That moment when the right person stood right in front of me. The moment when I’d have shivers running down my back. Feeling my thighs tighten. My voice and hands shaking. I always thought that the moment it would happen I would know. But I was wrong.
Yes, I do have shivers. But that is usually when I am cold. Yes, I have my thighs tightening from time to time, but that is usually when I feel a sexual desire. Yes, I do have unstable voice and hands, I blame It on nerves. None of these characteristics occur when I stand in front of my lover.
I have experienced different forms of love. I feel love towards my family, my friends, food. But I am yet to experience that feeling towards a singular person, in a way that I have never felt before. And though I am a strong believer in love at first sight, I began to realise lately that love is an undefinable form of affection. It happened not suddenly but gradually, over the course of years. We have been friends for a long time. We have been seeing each other for even longer. We had physical attraction, or maybe it was just alcohol. Either way, I never thought that it could have been love. How would I know. And yet, thinking and feeling and experiencing emotions in a way I never did before, I began to wonder whether this could be it.
I never wanted one night stands. I never wanted to have meaningless sex. Yet, it all happened. And now, when I am alone, being told that the other side needs some ‘me time’, I feel incomplete and… lonely. I have been experiencing love towards other things but the older I get, the more medial and peer pressure I am exposed to, I am starting to learn how important it is to love yourself. And so I try. I explore my body, I explore my mind, I am convincing myself that it is good.
Experiencing emotions in a way I never did before, I began to wonder whether this could be it.
The deeper I go into my thoughts, the more the person begins to occur. I feel guilty of not being independent when it comes to pleasure, yet, I know how to satisfy my own needs. But being the person I am today, I want more. I feel the urgent need to be weak, to be dependant, to be loved.
Although I never admitted that to anyone, I feel like I need to be looked after, by someone other than my closest ones. I want to be seen in the way I see myself; beautiful, sensual, unique. I need to read in someone’s eye that they love me. I want to be the love of their life.
It was not love at first sight, more like a fling that developed into something else. Now we began realising the similarities we posses and acknowledging the ways in which we complete each other. We push when we feel like it and we pull back when we start losing control. Regardless of how cliche this sounds, sometimes it is crucial to let loose. I arrived at that point when I am willing to give in and patiently wait for the other person to take the lead. But first, I must find courage to lead and guide through the way of unknown and, simultaneously, let the other set of hands hold the compass and suggest the direction. If we both agree that that is what we want, then we will go. If not, we will say goodbyes and wish the other person all the best.
Enjoy love, in every shape and form; treasure it, share it and [...] feel it in every every inch of your body.
I have now arrived at that point where I stop looking for love and began acknowledging that what I have might be love. I never felt it before, I never knew. I am uncertain and afraid but at the same time I feel challenged and excited to try. Love is something no one can define. No matter the shape or form, it is a wonderful feeling that brings a lot of pain but the joy always overweighs the bad. I am ready to feel love for the first time in a way I never felt before and I really hope that the other person will do the same. If not, I will be grateful for identifying a new feeling and hoping that the next step will be even more emotional that the current one.
Enjoy love, in every shape and form; treasure it, share it and, most of all, feel it in every every inch of your body. Love is beautiful and comes in different packages. Enjoy opening yours this Valentine’s.
And remember, you are loved!